Hogwarts Gone Catholic School LMAO
by Crazycutee831
Summary: Every is now Catholic, and has to go to confessen and the world blows up, im very hyper and its a insane story


"Attention Hogwarts Students!" Announced Dumbledore loudly to his students.

The great hall stopped all noise and raised their heads up to their headmaster.

"Because of religion fanatics think that Harry Potter is evil, this school no longer teaches magic" He said.

The hall broke out in to noise and gasps. Many teachers stood up and looked at the poor old man, knowing he had gone crazy.

"This is now a Catholic School! Mahwa!" He said, raising a Jesus cross up into the air.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" Draco Malfoy said, standing up suddenly. Everyone turned and looked at him, so he sat back down.

"Anyway I am retiring and your new head master will be…"

Professor McGonagall stood up and smiled widely, knowing she was next in line for the job.

"Tessa!" He said throwing crosses in the air because of lack of confetti.

The professor sat down pouting, and a girl walked into the room. She had a cocky grin, beady eyes, and pink hair.

"Welcome Saint. Hogwarts Students!" Tessa screamed out. "Now you will all go to confession now that you are Catholic. Meet me, I mean a priest who is NOT in anyway going to rape you in a tiny little booth."

Tessa then skipped over to a confession booth that appeared out of no where.

*Author Note- warning I am sugar high, this will get very stupid. And I am doing a change in writing format. LoL*

Harry Potter walked into the booth and sat down.

Harry- *sadly* Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Tessa-* in a bad impression of a mans voice* Tell me your sins son.

Harry-Wait your the new headmaster, or headmistress Tessa.

Tessa- *in snappy normal voice* NO!

Harry- Ok… um well I thought bad thoughts of my potions professor.

Tessa- Boring, any actions? Come on!

Harry- Well I tripped a first year.

Tessa- Ohhh goodie!

Harry- *quickly* by an accident.

Tessa- You suck. You do know that, right?

Harry- Wait a minute, you are Tessa!

Tessa- I will give you five dollars to shut up.

Harry- I'm not American though.

Tessa has nuns remove Harry Potter out of the booth.

Draco enters.

Draco- Oh forgive me father for I have sinned! *He cried loudly and expressively*

Tessa- Oh Malay yay, tell me something bad.

Draco- I forgot to say my rosary last night.

Tessa- * rolls her eyes* You got to be kidding me.

Draco- I know! It's a terrible terrible sin!

Tessa- Anything non-lame?

Draco- Well when I was donating cans to the poor, I got hungry and took soup form my pile and and --

Tessa- and what?

Draco- ATE IT! *Bursts out into tears*

Tessa- Am I in the right book? This is Harry Potter right? 

Draco- I need to go pray a million prayers!

Draco runs out of the room, and his wimple falls off his head.

Author Note- Yes Draco is a nun. No comment

Mrs. Norris enters the booth.

Mrs. Norris- Forgive me father, for I have definitely sinned! *purrs*

Tessa- Great, cats I get. Confess.

Mrs. Norris- I've been a bad, bad kitty. *Mrs. Norris purrs like a sex kitten*

Tessa ignores the purr.

Tessa- Yeah you sinned, now confess!

Mrs. Norris- I'm a hooker.

Tessa- * who is pulling her hair* What!

Mrs. Norris- Yes, see I have been a bad kitty. Not bad in bed though.

Tessa- *who's face turns green* I am now going to puke, get out!

Nuns remove the hooker kitty. One nun actually leaves with Mrs. Norris.

Hagrid enters the tiny confession booth. Don't ask how.

Hagrid- I have sinned.

Tessa- *pukes in can* Tell me your troubles.

Hagrid- Oh Tessa, I paid a hooker to sleep with me!

Tessa- *in bad impression of a mans voice* I am not Tessa!

Hagrid- Yeah, sure.

Tessa- I'm not!

Hagrid- Ok whatever you say.

Tessa- Fine then. Um this hooker didn't happen to be a cat, did it?

Hagrid- Um… You're not here to judge, right?

Tessa- *fuming mad and disgusted* GET OUT YOU SICKO!

Nuns remove Hagrid from the booth kicking and screaming.

Voldie enters the room.

Voldie- Hey Tessa, you never called me.

Tessa- I'm not--

Voldie- Anyway I have sinned terribly.

Tessa- No kidding.

Voldie- I mean I forgot to make my bed! My mommy must me so mad at me! 

Tessa- *falls off her chair* Wait this is the dark lord right? Your mothers dead!

Voldie- SHE IS NOT DEAD! JUST BECAUSE SHE LOOKS DEAD, DOESN'T TALK, EAT, OR BREATH DOESN'T MEAN SHE IS DEAD. She looks very much alive in that rocking chair, thank you very much.

Tessa- *blinks* Ok then.

Voldie- But anyway my bed is just a mess!

Tessa- Wait a minute, you kept your mothers dead body! And then you pretend she's alive! That's sick! *Shudders*

Voldie- I'm not sick, I'm not sick, I'm not sick, I'm not sick. *Starts pounding his head against the wall*

Tessa- Get out!

Nuns remove insane Voldie who is screaming about car keys.

Tessa- On more insane person I will kill myself!

God enters the room.

God- Hey.

Tessa- Hey God. Wait God. Oh my God, its God!

God- Um Yeah.

Tessa- Why are you here? In a confessional?

God- I got bored. Hey even I have some sins too you know.

Tessa- *Who is doubtful* Yeah sure.

God- No really! I have a gay relationship with Satan.

Tessa- * laughing* Really? Aren't you against gays?

God- No! Christopher Lowe has a one way ticket to heaven!

Tessa- can you kill him now. He's creeping me out.

God- Done. Um I'm head of a mob.

Tessa- Mob?

God- and I converted to atheism.

Tessa- Your what? That means you don't believe in yourself.

God- Yes.

Tessa- that doesn't make sense.

God- SHUT UP!

Tessa- fine, just as long as you're not banging Mrs. Norris I'm ok with it.

God- Well I can stop that. Just kidding. I also broke up the Beatles.

Tessa- I thought Yoko did it.

God- Well Yoko was the daughter of God. You know me sent down in girl form.

Tessa- Well I thought you don't believe in God. Wait, Yoko?

God- shut up. Yes Yoko.

Tessa- *nervously* Ok. Wait Yoko is still alive.

God- Yeah, so? Well I got to go. This was fun.

Tessa- Yeah, ok. Call me.

God- Yeah Satan and me will ring you sometime.

God disappears from the room.

Hermione enters the booth.

Hermione- Hey Tessa.

Tessa- Slap me. I'm frozen of shock.

She somehow slaps Tessa through solid wood.

Hermione- I don't have any sins.

Tessa- THEN WHY DID YOU COME IN HERE?

Hermione- I was bored.

Tessa- Oh what a good reason.

Hermione- Yeah I know.

Tessa- I like you.

Hermione- I hurt children.

Tessa- You're my favorite pupil!

Hermione- You're not my teacher, but whatever.

Hermione leaves the booth.

God enters back in.

God- Hey I'm going to blow the world up.

Tessa- Go right ahead.

God- Ok.

Tessa- See you in heaven?

God- HAHA NOT!

WOLRD BLOWS UP AND EVERYONE DIES.


End file.
